Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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