Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize