I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
sarcasm needs its own font
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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