Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
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