Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
