My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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