No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We have started to decorate penises.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize