I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Randomize