On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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