While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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