She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
