Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
