Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
