Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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