oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
