remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Randomize
