Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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