I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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