apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize