every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
