I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
