meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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