I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
