He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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