I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
