Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize