btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
