I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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