Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My sheets look like a crime scene.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
