did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
