By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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