I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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