I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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