Apparently you make a good broom.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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