God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
