My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
