No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
