Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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