A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
