So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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