Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize