I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Ketchup is God's man juice
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
