If i come over, it means nothing
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
