That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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