I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
