At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
