Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
