oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
