Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
