The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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