I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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