There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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