if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
