her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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