mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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