just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
