im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize