I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
