My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
