Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
