she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Someone signed my nipple.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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