I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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