yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
