Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
